Have you ever woken up in a guilty panic because you were having a steamy dream about someone other than the person sleeping next to you? To make matters even worse, you were rolling around with your EX, not some random celebrity like Adam Levine!
Don’t fret, having a dream like this doesn’t mean that you’ve lost interest in your main squeeze (or that you want to rekindle the flame with your ex). According to a study at the University of Montreal, sex dreams make up about 8 percent of all dreams for both men and women. But sex dreams are rarely about sex at all, no matter how saucy they might be.
It’s important to remember that sex to your dreaming mind isn’t about a physical union you want, but rather a psychological union you need. Here’s a Q & A with a reader that will help illustrate this point for you. It will also explain why you might have naughty dreams about an ex, even if it’s been light years since you were actually with this person.
Q. I keep having recurring dreams about getting back together with my ex-boyfriend. Sometimes we’re just hanging out and other times it’s downright filthy sex! However, I am married and haven’t spoken to him in over 10 years.- Jennifer, 37
A. Was he your first love? Strangely enough, we continue to dream of our first loves, even if we’ve moved on into a happy marriage. Don’t worry, it’s not that you want him back, it’s that you want what he represents back: excitement, bubbles, passion! You are likely to get these dreams when your marriage gets a little too routine and humdrum, as all marriages do from time to time. Your dream is using your ex to remind you of the passion that is still alive inside of you. These dreams are actually good for you and are alerting you to the fact that the passion department doesn’t want to become a thing of the past. Might be a good idea to get yourself down to Victoria’s Secret® and buy something red and lacy.
Jennifer’s reply: It makes so much sense now. He was my first love. While I was with him, there was lots of excitement and passion. We would do things so spontaneously. And I wasn’t as self-conscious as I am now. I can see now that I don’t get involved in new things like I did before. You’re right; I do need to spice things up, in my life and in my marriage. You’ve made me see things in a different light.
Jennifer’s marriage, like millions of marriages before hers and millions of marriages yet to be, has become complacent. Complacency is easy because it takes no effort. Like Jennifer, as we settle into the land of Hum Drum while awake, our dreams become restless while we sleep. The dreaming mind doesn’t forget the excitement and thrill from long ago, so it will bring those feelings back to you in the form of the person you first experienced those feelings with. These dreams aren’t about the person, they are about the feelings.
The Meaning Behind The ‘Sex With the Ex’ Dream
The most common meaning behind the ‘sex with the ex’ dream is a need to rekindle the excitement in your intimate life. Once you take action on your dream’s gentle nudging, and continue to change it up and keep it interesting, the ex won’t need to pay you another visit… that is unless the ex still has a role in your life, such as an ex-spouse. If you deal with the ex-spouse on a regular basis then that person is not likely to be a symbol, rather your inner mind is alerting you to an issue with that specific person and, as always, you will need to look at what happened the day before the dream in order to pinpoint the issue.
The exes we tend to have naughty dreams about the most are our first love, an ex we still have ties to because of children or other circumstances, or the ex that most recently broke our heart. Dreaming of the ex that broke your heart can be a sign that you’re stuck emotionally and have not allowed yourself to move on. It’s impossible to move forward while you’re still holding on to what’s behind you. These dreams are a clear indication that you haven’t healed in which case the dreams will continue until you let go and leave the past in the past.
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Lauri Loewenberg is a Certified Dream Analyst, syndicated columnist, author, popular radio personality, speaker and member of IASD, the International Association for the Study of Dreams. This post is an excerpt from her latest book Dream On It, Unlock Your Dreams Change Your Life.