When’s the last time you moaned, “Oh yeah, that’s it, right there, keep going!” and weren’t talking to your massage therapist? If you can’t remember, then it’s been too long. Unfortunately, bad sex can sometimes happen to good people. Fortunately, anyone can learn how to make bad sex better!
Whether you just met someone new and the sex was an utter letdown, or you’re starting to feel a little repetitive in the bedroom with the love of your life, here are five simple steps to help you find your way back to, “Oh yeah, that’s it, right there, keep going!”
1. Believe in Yourself
Even the most confident women can sometimes forget just how amazing they are. Jodi Lipper, co-author of ‘How to Love Like a Hot Chick’, says many women tend to get all LSE (low self-esteem) about their body, and that can hinder their sex life. “You are hot and you have nothing to apologize for!” she says. “He wants to have sex with you, which means he is attracted to you, so let it all go and let yourself enjoy the moment.”
Look in the mirror and remind yourself of why anyone would be lucky to spend an evening between the sheets with you. Are you sexy? Are you smart? Are you successful? My money is on the fact that you’re all three – but I shouldn’t be the one to have to tell you that – tell yourself!
2. Express Yourself
Your mouth is made for communication, among many other things, so use it! If there’s something off when you’re getting it on, speak up.
Tina B. Tessina, PhD, is a psychotherapist in California who says the best sex is a result of open and honest communication. “Often, the best beginner for a lovely sexual encounter is a good conversation. When you express both your fears and expectations and the air is cleared, you and your partner can both relax. Once you are relaxed… it’s not such a long distance into the bedroom.”
Tessina suggests setting a regular date to “catch up” on all the little things you may not have had time to discuss during your busy week. She says a pleasant, unhurried dinner or breakfast date is the perfect time to share your feelings about each other, your relationship, or any sexual snafus.
3. Laugh at Yourself
You both know when the sex is bad (I hope!), so let go and keep a sense of humor about it. Lisa Bahar, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Southern California, suggests figuring out a way to make each other laugh before getting in the sack again.
“Therefore, the positive feelings are in flow and the body is in a more open and embracing mood,” explains Bahar. “Then do something very unpredictable that you are comfortable with. If you blow it (no pun intended), laugh!”
4. Pace Yourself
While a hot quickie is definitely a sprint, great sex is a marathon. You want better sex? Take. It. Slow.
“In order to steam up your bedroom, you need to put it on a slow-boil earlier in the day,” explains David Klow, a marriage and family therapist in the Chicago area. “Consider it a slow-cooker in which you are building connection before the physical encounter. If we are focusing on work and taking care of children all day, then it can be difficult to simply switch gears towards sex.”
Klow suggests practicing the art of seduction (even if you’ve been married for years) by taking time throughout the week to build towards your next sexual encounter. Flirting, engaging in a deep conversation, or enjoying a romantic meal can all be part of getting ready for sex. The key is to make your relationship a priority by taking your mind off work, chores, and to-do lists and instead putting it on kissing, caressing, and more!
5. Enjoy Yourself
This step may sound obvious, but it’s one many ladies forget to take. As women, we often wind up trying to please everyone around us without even realizing it, which means everyone else’s needs are met… except yours! If you’re a people-pleaser, then it’s time to switch gears and please yourself (in more ways than one)!
“You have the power to make this experience memorable and delightful for both of you,” says Lipper. “Take a little bit of control and help guide things in the right direction.”
Think about what it is you like, communicate that to your partner, and then let go and enjoy the ride!
The concept of “bad sex” is a complicated one. The bad news is that it takes work to improve a less-than satisfying sex life. The good news is the work will be fun! Simply follow steps one through five – and then repeat as often as you like because practice makes perfect.